


Lonely Hands

by orphan_account



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-30
Updated: 2012-09-30
Packaged: 2017-11-15 07:34:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/524787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"What do you regret most?" Tsunade asks odd questions when she’s drunk, and Jiraiya ends up talking too much, but that’s alright because she probably won’t remember this conversation later anyway. (AU because, y'know, Jiraiya's alive in this. Set in a distant-ish future.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lonely Hands

They're drunk. It's far too early in the afternoon for it, but Tsunade's shoulder rubs against his chest and their feet dangle off the edge of a roof beside each other, and the old lady yawns, her cheeks ruddy with alcohol, and says out of nowhere, "What do you regret most in life?"

"Eh?" Jiraiya blinks, bleary, his fingers pressed into Tsunade's waist, pressing each one in turn whilst he thinks, and she hits him in the thigh. Her idea of a gentle love-tap and it still makes him grumble a warning complaint; she snorts and calls him a baby. He huffs and stares down at the village streets below them, because combing his mind for regrets is harder than it looks. Yellow hair appears from a side street and strolls a path beneath them, and Jiraiya's chin tips down. "Naruto," he says, but it comes out as an indistinct rumble, and Tsunade makes a baffled noise. She follows his vision with her own eyes, and rolls them with a loud, despairing sound when she spots the target.

"Ah! Pay attention, idiot," she says, scowling, and Jiraiya hums, shaking his head. She has missed the gist of what he's saying, although he can't actually blame her.

"No, no,  _Naruto_ ," he insists, and she squints skeptically at him. "Tsk, forget it," Jiraiya mutters, and he jabs his middle finger into her side before freeing her from his grasp and lying down on the roof, taking his eyes off his godson on the street below. "What are you asking stupid questions for anyway, hm? You won't remember this conversation tomorrow. Or by this evening! You can't hold your drink."

"No," Tsunade says bluntly, and she shifts onto her hands and knees, facing him. Jiraiya pointedly laughs at the way it makes her look, the view it gives him down her shirt, and she hits him in the stomach this time, before she finds a comfortable way to lie across the tiles on her front. "What, you say you regret Naruto?" She rests her chin in one hand, fingers tapping her cheek as she cocks an eyebrow. "Even though you, you're besotted with him?"

"Mm," Jiraiya confirms, with a curt nod, and Tsunade just stares at him and then blinks slowly. She's opening her mouth, surely to call him names or demand an explanation and he cuts her off by offering one up with a grave chuckle, "His mother would kill me."

"His mother isn't here," Tsunade answers, in a voice that says  _cut the crap_.

"Pah," he says. "I shouldn't have said a word! You could lecture me ten times worse than Kushina, even now, when I think you might be seeing two of me." Jiraiya waves a hand in front of Tsunade's eyes to make his point and she smacks him away.

"I'm sure Naruto doesn't regret," she pauses, flicking her fingers and frowning, "you. Your relationship, Jiraiya, that's what you mean?" Tsunade's eyebrows are slowly knitting together and Jiraiya wants to put a finger between them and tell her not to worry, but it was his own fault for saying something in the first place; too drunk to hold his tongue, and now Tsunade won't let go of the matter. He just nods, instead, and he feels his lips curve downwards of their own volition. "Explain," she demands.

"I'm an old man," Jiraiya says. It's an opening sentence but he's hoping he might be able to leave it there; that the ever-youthful old woman beside him might understand what he means, that it's cruel to take Naruto's life and independence from him, but Tsunade just tilts her head at him. "Naruto's ah, how many years younger? Too young. Still... full of youth."

"Not a boy," Tsunade interjects, and Jiraiya shakes his head.

"Not a boy," he agrees, and corrects her brusquely, "Also not what I mean. You want me to explain, woman, so listen." Jiraiya clears his throat and huffs, and Tsunade shifts, her face going clear and neutral. She's listening. Jiraya's mouth twists. "He should have more than a grizzled old man at home for him," he murmurs, sighing, "Me, I've had my life, one day I'll die and I will be..." He trails off. Fulfilled? No, no. Jiraiya's got too many holes of mistakes and missed opportunities in his life record for him to be fulfilled when it all ends. "Content," he settles with. For the most part, he is.

"But I leave him behind and what comes after me?" Jiraiya laughs, then, because it sounds so ridiculous and egotistical, and Tsunade smiles too, but it doesn't reach her eyes. He doesn't think it reached his, either. "I die, and then what? He gets to mourn. You know better than most, eh, the toll it takes, watching someone you love pass on. He should be furthering his clan, too, not spending his time with  _me_. A wife and a family, that is what Naruto wanted, and that is what I've taken him from."

"You're assuming Naruto loves you and isn't using you for your money," Tsunade teases, but there's no real bite behind it. She shifts and pats him on his chest, her fingers wrapping around the edge of his red vest, her eyes sad. She makes for a ridiculous sight, with her cheeks still pink, her hair a mess. "You knew all this long ago," she reminds him, "Long before he kissed you." Her lips curve, a smallest wicked smile, "You knew it before even I saw where your eye wandered." The smile drops. "How selfish. You're with him anyway."

"Selfish," he echoes, and then nods, clapping his hand across hers. "Ours is a very selfish love," he admits. In his mind he sees Naruto, his hair longer and in the right light he looks so much like Minato, an echo of the past. "Him, he's greedy," Jiraiya tells Tsunade, and she raises her eyebrows, inquisitive. Jiraiya's voice quietens, even though they're alone up here; he sees her lean in to hear him properly as he says, "He knows what it does to me, to take from him all these futures. He knows the guilt I have, here," he takes Tsunade's hand and places it over his heart. Her fingers close around the green fabric of his clothing. "He knows I see his mother and father whenever I see him. Knows that it hurts because there's this gap of age and I, his godfather, was supposed to care for him, not take him to bed."

"Minato and Kushina wouldn't hate you for being with him," Tsunade says, although it's a hollow assurance, because neither of them know how Naruto's parents - Jiraiya's student and friends - would feel. It's a grey area. She taps her fingers against his chest, thoughtful, and with her tongue tripping against the words she demands, "That doesn't explain why it's selfish."

"He loves me even though it hurts me," Jiraiya murmurs. He's glad of Tsunade's hand against his heart. He knows she can feel it skip too quickly. He wonders what might have happened if she'd ever loved him back. Dan still has too much of her, he suspects. He clears his throat and sits up, stretching as he dislodges Tsunade and she pushes herself up beside him. His spine pops and cracks and Tsunade laughs under her breath.

"Old man indeed," she remarks.

Jiraiya snorts, drawing one knee up and leaning his arm on it. He offers her the second half of his explanation. "I love him even though what we have denies him so much."

"You two," Tsunade says, with a slow shake of her head. "Woollen headed men! Love isn't supposed to be selfish. Do you think Naruto really thinks of it the way you do? You're drunk and stupid."

"You're," he frowns, "drunker. And stupider!"

"Psht, it's good that shinobi don't fight with words! Useless." She elbows him in his side, hard, and he grunts. Tsunade ignores his protests entirely. "He has always loved you, even before it was this kind of love. You think Naruto lies awake at night thinking of what you've taken from him? Thinks of a pregnant Sakura in your place, something like that?"

Jiraiya remembers waking up in the night, finding Naruto conscious and sat upright, frowning down at his hands like something was missing. He had kissed Jiraiya upon seeing him woken, shuffled down in their sheets and shut his eyes, but Jiraiya knows he didn't rest.

"I suppose you're right," he concedes anyway.

She rolls her eyes, but she puts her head against his shoulder, gently wraps her hands around his arms and Tsunade says softly, "At least you're being selfish together."

"At least there's that," he agrees.


End file.
